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WHY DO I FIND IT SO FUNNY???

Continuing in my master plan to educate y'all (for y'all read Thomas), I have officially added a Word of the Day to my sidebar. Like it? No? Eh, too bad. I'm dreadfully sorry, but I cannot control my logophilia. It's... OUT OF CONTROL... GAH... SOMEONE STOP ME...

So, officially one of the funniest things ever... William Shatner's cover of Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.

Not even kidding. He really did it.

It opens with the most maudlin "doom music" imaginable, and Shatner dramatically recites the poem Spleen by Baudelaire (the English translation, naturally, though I'd love to hear Shatner try and pronounce French!) So funny... and then he gets to Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, which he reads as though it were a very serious poem. (Best lines: either "the girl with... KALEIDOSCOPE... eyes..." or "marshmallow PIES!")

[wipes away tear] Ohhhh goodness.

Ethan? As in... THE ETHAN?

If so, here's a shoutout that I miss ye!
If not, you probably think I'm insane!

Oh well, no use hiding the truth. ^.^

QOTDs:
"Is it getting hot in here? No, it's just my rostrum!"

Pretty much any variant of a "rostrum" joke you can think of.

"I consider you a sycophant, and you consider me weak."

"We were on our way out of Camden and I said something about teenage goths and pretentious poetry i.e. 'Black...I wear it because black is like me. It is without life and meaning. It is empty. Black is like my soul.'"

"This is not a car. I am not a banana." (for more see: http://bloomd.home.mchsi.com/dot/)

From David's taped AlTV thing:
Weird Al: So... I hear when you were young your parents were cooked and eaten by cannibals!!?!?
Celine Dion: Yes, I could smell my mother cooking.

QOTDs:
"You have taste taste raised some goats, Zale? I can frer some eels in my hovercraft. He is full of them! ...I sure hope that isn't what he really said."

"Camera zoom in on snake rock concealed in hand. DUN DUN DUNNNNN....!"

"The hill is MINE NOW!"

"Well, that's because she's a cyborg." (from yesterday)

"I feel a cold and drowsy humour running through my veins."

QOTDs:
"Vol-um-iz-er..."

"Former... farmer... HE'S A FORMER FARMER!"

For Adam's benefit, since he's (shock, horror) never seen it: All Your Base Are Belong To Us Video

This merits its own post.

OKLAHOMA!!!!!

QOTDs:
"I'd have thought that most guys would give anything to trade places with the spider!"

"Odd, I don't seem to have any male genitalia. Hmmm..."

"Yes, Thomas, there are 50 states. I checked."

"You know... I'm going to feel so, so, awful if my dad actually does have Alzheimer's or something..."

QOTDs:
"What! No wine?"

"I'm going to go now, because you distract me."

"Step A: Steal underpants. Step B: ... uhhh ... . Step C: PROFIT!!!"

"Should I know what ASCII is?"

QOTDs:
"France! Platonic No!"

Anakin: You. Are. So. Beau.ti.ful.
Padme: It's only because I love you so much!
Anakin: No. It. Is. Be.cause. I. Love. You. So. Much.

Anakin: My. Pow.ers. Have. Doub.led. Since. We. Last. Met.

"I can smell your spicy brains." For a little context here... Thomas and myself were watching SWIII... it was the scene where Padme and Anakin gaze into the sunset across Coruscant, a single shining tear slips down Anakin's cheek, and Thomas spoils the moment COMPLETELY by leaning over and muttering "I can smell your spicy brains." I think everyone in the theater heard him.

"Ohh my god... I just realized who he reminds me of..." Question: Who does General Grevious (what the fuck was Lucas thinking with that character???) remind Thomas of? Answer: Candice.

"Yeah, she'll make sure they get what they want all right..."

Thomas: Suuuure, Emily, we believe you. We all believe you.
Me: So... how many people you got in there?

QOTDs:
"Good morning Emily, this is your 3:20 AM wakeup call..."

"So I walked up to a guy in a bowling alley one time and said Left Hand Green."

"God damn it Emily... were you eating his oranges??"

"Hey, tomorrow's the day after your birthday!"

QOTDs:
"I shall spend my "retirement" with my family, if I turn out to have one, on which point there remains some uncertainty, searching at my leisure for my trousers, which have been lost upon the moors these past four weeks."

"You know those contacts I wear overnight? Well, I woke up this morning and I couldn't open my right eye. So I panicked. Much to my relief, it was just glued together with mucus."

Me: Ehh, he's kinda funny.
James: In a pitiful 'wouldn't it be even funnier if a truck hit him?' way.

"And again Ryan provides me with a scary visual."

I think today was Let's-Give-Emily-Scary-Visuals Day. The picking was revolting, Ryan, if you're reading this, but I'm happy for you all the same. ^.^

Yesterdays QOTDs:
"I miss name here (i.e. David, Ryan, my dog)!"

"THEY ARE GOING TO START MAKINGE HOT DOG BUN PACKAGES THAT HAVE THE SAME NUMBER OF BUNS AS THERE ARE HOT DOGS IN HOT DOG PACKAGES! UNBELIEVABLE! ITS A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!" (from Thomas' xanga, which is, astonishingly enough, one of the very, very few that do not fall into the festering-pool-for-emo category.)

Grr... xangas... must get mind off them... or I'll start--

[becomes possessed by The Ghost of Xangas]

Nobody liiiikes me. I'll never find someone who loves me. I hate myself. Yeah. I should crawl into a hole and die.

QOTDs:
"Saving Ryan's Privates!"

"I'm going to lean over the table and make it really uncomfortable for you to hug me."

Me: Give it back! I'll pull your leg hair... I will...
Thomas: This feels too good on my eyes for me to even notice.

"Ooh, comb my leg hair... yes, I'm serious."

"The system allows touching and feeling of animals or other humans in real time, but it's first being tried out on -- chickens." (see here.)

--turtle platoon inheritance
--extemporaneous wrench
--condoning blue dirigibles
--purple turtle platoon (try saying that 10 times fast. Really. Try.)
--crouton platoon
--waffle raffle

From an IMDB review of the documentary "Leonard Nimoy Demonstrates the Magnavision Videodisc Player"...

A Visual Masterpiece, 27 October 2001
Author: Schmelter from Boulder, CO


This movie can only be described as an action-packed sexcapade with enough gore to stop the orbit of the moon. Nimoy is right on the money as the saucy, sassy, wisecracking videodisc operator who shoots all the bad guys and gets all the chicks. Shot with a then phenomenal budget of 90 million in Rome, Vladivostok, and Paraguay, Nimoy spends the movie fighting the forces of media player ineptitude and repeatedly satisfying upwards of 40 women at a time in some of the most lavish action and sex scenes ever put to celluloid.

Seldom does a moment of screen time go by when he isn't laying waste to half city blocks or messily garrotting scores of thugs who can't tell the 'scan' button from the 'play.' Frankly, it's a wonder that the body count in this movie got past the MPAA (with no rating, unbelievably!), because this viewer had to stop counting corpses at eleven hundred. Taut and gripping until the end, Nimoy pursues the evil lord Buster Betamax across the globe in one of the bloodiest yet truly gratifying media player demonstrations ever.

With all the superlatives it may sound over the top, and would be if performed by the likes of Arnold or Wayne Newton, but Mr. Nimoy plays it with the soul of a poet. Tragic yet beautiful, restrained and deeply human , he brings a rare sense of emotion and purpose to a movie that would otherwise be lost in the ranks of stale instructional films. Watch close at the end for a cameo from fellow Mission: Impossible alum Peter Graves as Midget Shoeshine Boy in Crowd.

QOTDs:
Me: That was as easy as your mother.
J-Swizz: Hey! My mother was a SAINT. Until she met yours.

"I'm going to name my child rhubarb."

"Well, now we know why Tickle-Me-Elmo goes into convulsions."

Me: But I don't mind David.
[pause]
David: MIND ME!

So Emily saw a link... Emily clicked the link... Emily decides she's going to take a few inane personality quizzes for the sheer hell of it. So, to summarize results:
--I act the age of... 29
--My deadliest sin is... Lust, I have a 54% chance of going to hell, and I'll die in the throes of passion.
--My Star Wars personality is... Darth Vader (I can be cruel and torment people who disagree with me; deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to me; I have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle.)
--I will die at age... 88
--My seduction style is... The Charmer (which really doesn't make much sense in terms of parallel structure, but... oh well)
--And here's my favorite one. I was given a color or a food and was supposed to type the first person that came into my mind. I swear I am not making up a WORD of these results.
1. Seonha is your soulmate, and you secretly think Seonha is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.
2. You love Ryan, and you secretly think Ryan is creative and charming.
3. You consider Thomas your truest friend, and you secretly think Thomas changes lovers faster than underwear.
4. You'll remember David for the rest of your life, and you secretly think David is shy and nonconfrontational. And that David has a hidden internet romance.

Not. Making. Up. A. Word.

QOTDs:
--Who are you and how did you get in here?
--I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

"Okay, just so everyone knows, I'm having a massage-gasm."
Bwahaha... that's right... I give people massage-gasms. ^.^

"...with nigh liquid orbs, alike deep pools ... with fish in them. And the fish swim around looking for worms, only to demonstrate the cruel reality of the real world - for within less than a moment they are gobbled up by gigantic fish with razor sharp teeth who shoot killer bees out of their gills."

"If I make a condescending comment about tea will you hurt me?"

"I've got a heart of darkness and legions of swine minions. What do you say we head back to my place?"

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=10356

My favorite bit: "We have many ongoing projects, and soon we'll be proud to announce the grand opening of our website."

Found a fun little page with some amusing Pentium-bashings...

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above

Oh, and this is also EXTREME!ly funny.

Last night, for some reason, I watched an old movie on TV that was quite possibly one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life. I'm not sure why I kept watching, but it was one of those situations where you want to look away but you can't-- it was so hideous it was fascinating. The movie was called The Seven-Per-Cent Solution. The "plot" was a MacGuffin involving the kidnapping of one ex-prostitute Lola Devereux (played by Vanessa Redgrave) by an evil Ottoman Turk with a redhead fetish who wanted her for his harem. The main focus of the film, however, was on Sherlock Holmes (yes, that's right) being rid of his cocaine habit. This came complete with graphic visual representation of his withdrawal (snakes crawling through Dr. Watson's eyes, etc.). Who was his doctor, you ask? Freud. Sigmund Freud, who also at one point in the movie battles (in a heart-stopping tennis match) a nasty German bearing a strong resemblance to old Bismarck himself who impuned his Jewish heritage. Let's see, did I forget anything? Oh yes. Sir Laurence Olivier, fairly universally recognized as one of the top actors of all time, stooped to playing Moriarty, who, as it turned out, is the root of Holmes' cocaine problem. But that's as far as his role as nemesis goes-- it seems that Moriarty was simply Holmes' math tutor who slept with his mother (Holmes' mother, that is) and caused Mr. Holmes Sr. to kill his wife.

Yeah.

QOTDs:
Me: So after the dolphins I was in front of this house with all these lilacs-
Thomas: Wait, what's a lilacs?

David: Ever noticed on some of those arcade machines where people get the top scores and just have to put ASS as the initials?
Me: Well, at least they scored some ass...

"A pirate's houkah would be better. I wonder if they smoke anything worth smoking."

"That's right, feast on those worms! For one day they shall feast on you..."

"Guess he wasn't exactly Home Alone, if you get what I'm saying."

"Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again'."

This has been another Blackadder Moment (tm). Thank you for your time and cooperation.

QOTDs:
"I wonder what this does [glomp]"

"You two are going to end up living in a dumpster, having immature conversations while little children are corrupted by you."

"Don't even say it. Think it... but just... don't say it."

"Heh, we look like Neo-Nazis, don't we?"

"Hard as you may try... you're just not weird enough."

"Ilikechocolatemilk. Ilikecereal."

DUNNNNNNNNNN! DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!

QOTDs:
Thomas: You're a man whore.
David: Well, you're a MAN distribution hub.
Me: No, he's a man page.
David: Did you just say--? Oh my god, I hate you.

"I have post-modernist stress disorder... I see pop culture everywhere..."

"Yes, yes, yes, bomb, yes."

"Well helllllo John."

"Sweet gherkin!"

"Shertainly."

"Liek the fenixx, i r teh bron frum thoes asshez!!1111"

I love Ryan's shirt! Whee.

So as it turns out everyone else's neck is sore from the bungee thing, too, except for Tunis's (probably because he's so big) and David, who just says his back hurts. I feel justified. w00t.

QOTDs:
"No, I don't need to use Tag, I have my own man juices."

"I hear ALL THINGS!"

"I guess you must have been under considerable DuRESS."

"...the temperature regulator in your oven [oven catches on fire]... your husband's pacemaker... [cuts to husband] urk!"

"And we shall feast! On Ryan's patch."

QOTDs:
"Ooh, driving boat shiny!"

"YOU SANE PERSON!"

Yeah, that's all I've got... Today pretty much consisted of either sleeping or spending time with my mother 60 miles from where I'm currently sitting.

Is anyone else's neck EXTREME!ly sore from that bungee thing?

Oh wow, such a sazzly night! (I'm a little loopy right now, as you can probably tell by the fact that I'm making up words!) Way too many "QOTDs" to try to think of, but here's a random sampling:

"No more knife games!"

"I'm white, I can't bust a move... I'm afraid if I try to move I'll bust."

"Mark Twain."

"Now, Ryan, to be a man, you must enjoy cold pizza and lemonade. [dunking] At the same time..."

"Nachos Supreme! They're so Supreme!"

David said something hilarious about the hypnotist, but I can't remember it, unfortunately.

The theme quote for the night was probably "AHHH it's caught in my hair!"

But honestly? I think the QOTD winner has got to be me and Seonha's karaoke rendition of Like A Virgin. (Yes, you read that right. We did it. It was fun... and slightly mortifying... but hey, seemed like a good idea at the time and it was all worth it for the expression on Ryan's face. Hee.)

And by the time I get to this point in typing I have achieved the crash, so I'm going to go sl--snnnnnnnxxxxxxxx.

Another literal joke for the list that I forgot:

Q: How many babies fit in a blender?
A: Police reports indicate three.

I'd just like to take a moment to do the "I've got a comment" dance.

*does the "I've got a comment" dance*

That is all. Thank you for your time and consideration.

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2806

My personal favorite: Adventure For Human Body Parts ^.^

QOTDs:
Montell: Aha! I knew it was you.
Me: ...how?
Montell: Your boots. I thought-- who else has huge honkin' boots like that?

"I have cleavage!"

"Okay, now I kinda want to see this Japanese schoolgirl, because I'm curious. NOT LIKE THAT!"

Me: Yeah, but Thomas can be funny. In his own special way.
David: Yes, Thomas is funny... when you hit him over the head with a hammer.
Thomas: Eh?
David: Don't worry about it, I'll show you later.

Me: "He doesn't know... she doesn't know..." I don't know!
Tunis: Emily, that may have been the funniest thing I've ever heard you say. And I'm not sure why.

"I can see the advantages of being a hermaphrodite."

~*~

And now for the list of horrifyingly literal jokes (most come from David and Ryan, I think the last one's from Tunis):

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender calls animal control.

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "Holy shit! Walking rope!"

Q: What's the best form of sexual abstinence?
A: David.

QOTDs:
David: What's Terry Schiavo's favorite song?
Me: I don't know, what?
David: Terry Schiavo doesn't HAVE a favorite song! She was in a persistent vegetative state for 15 years! Honestly!

Me: But I don't want to...
Thomas: Yeah, well I don't want to eat my firstborn, but some things have to be done.

Seonha: SUBMIT!

From Slashdot (which is not for pornography [cough]):

An anonymous reader writes "The BBC is reporting that the Revenge of the Sith is a blood bath and is to recieve a PG-13. One notable point from the article is Lucas is quoted as saying "But I have to tell a story. I'm not making these, oddly enough, to be giant, successful blockbusters. I'm making them because I'm telling a story, and I have to tell the story I intended." As he lit a cigar with a large stack of burning 20's."

QOTDs:
"If Phil=-1h, why does Rishi=π?"

Phil: You should walk over there and say 'I'm gonna go drink, drive, and have sex.'
Ryan: All at the same time!

"You just opened a MINOR Pandora's Box." This takes the WTF?? Award for today...

"But you guys looked like you were having suck fun..." Ahh, the glory of typos... almost as good as the time someone typed "Lick my boobs!"

Me: You're just jealous because you don't get to put on a pretty dress.
Jacob: Well, I can still put on the dress! I'll just stay home and play Xbox.

"They're feeling like they weren't the Emily..."

QOTDs:
"Yes, the last letter is pronounced Zing."

Me: She touched your shoulder??
Tunis: Both of them.

"It'll be like a Nazi Youth Rally! Only no one's going to become pope."

"They'll let him stay on one conditioner."

"What's Slashdot? ... is it for pornography?"

QOTDs:
Me: The hat is MINE!
Rachael: No, it's mine.
Me: It goes better with my outfit.
Rachael: You're right, today is Emily Looks Sexy Day. Take it.

"From now on you shall be known as Witch Mama Emile."

"It's a farm about ducklings!"

"I'll make merry with your more attractive... ear..."

Me: Let's face it, he's just the greatest thing since sliced bread.
J-swizz: Yeah, well, why don't you go marry him!

"Whoops, I'm out."

"I will never bow to a white man!"

"It could be the basis for Newsies 2!!!"

SOMEONE IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT: *actually digs up a Celtic porno sax*

Emily's To-Do List (as written by J-swizz, bold items added by yours truly):
--> Update QOTDs
--> Celebrate J-Swizz's B-Day
--> Further research family history
--> Visit J-Swizz at Steventon's
--> Take over the world
--> Become voodoo queen priestess pimp-ette-ess

Last night, feeling very bored and rather silly, I googled "inventor of the chair". While Ronald Fitzgerald neglected to get a nod (neither did Gerald Fitzgerald), I did find this bit from a review of Passion of the Christ:

While we're setting things straight, what about the bizarre flashback to Christ's hunky carpenter days, in which Gibson seems to be saying that Jesus (are you ready for this?) was the inventor of the chair.

Interesting, no? I didn't get that impression when I saw the movie... hmm.

QOTDs:
Me: Gonna do the maypole thing?
Thomas: The what?
Me: Maypole.
Thomas: Eh?
Me: Maaaayyyy pooooollleee.
Thomas: Maple? What?
Me: No, MAY POLE. May POLE. MAY pole. MAY POOOOLE.
Thomas: Oh, with an N?
Me: Oh god.
The sad part about that little recap... that's only about 1/3 as long as it went on.

"Why would I flog a dead horse? It's dead..."

"OH EM, THINE SELF BE OVERFLOWING WITH WIT.
FETCH NOW A PRESERVE BEFORE YE FIND THY SELF DROWNED IN IT."

"Yeah? Well... I'll... feast on your eyes and make merry with your more attractive virginal sons."

~*~

I would have just added those onto the quote below, but... I thought the safety word deserved to stand on its own.

So, in a riveting telephone conversation with my mother, I found out that the current CEO of Burger King is actually my second cousin once removed. There was an article about him in the Wall Street the other day.

Not sure whether that's good or bad.

"Hack the corporate reality! They're brainwashing you! Do it now before it's too-"

The mystery is solved! It is, in fact, &c.

Unfortunately, it still doesn't make any sense. The line:
Stipendium peccati mors est. Ha! Stipendium, &c.

So, it refers to the rewards of sin being death... and it all makes sense except for Oc. (which I will continue to arbitrarily call Oc-- because it's fun...) Unless perhaps he's using "etc" somehow as a dismissal. As if it was "rewards, bah."

I don't know, any way you slice it it's strange and I will always prefer to think of it as "Oc."

My goodness, it never rains but it pours when it comes to comments around here.

QOTD: "I think I need a safety word."

I think Seonha has QOTY competition. ^.^

Hmm. "Oc" seems to bear a closer resemblance to the ampersand symbol most commonly used in the 16th century, designed by Ludovico degli Arrighi (and reflected in current fonts such as Meridien)than to anything else I can find. It still makes little sense to me.

"Oc" Update:

It might also be the mathematical partial derivative symbol ¶

...nah...

How sad is it that I'm bored enough to browse lists of HTML codes for mathematical symbols etc. to try and find the mysterious Oc?

QOTDs:
Me: Wow, I just experienced a catharsis!
Thomas: Yeah... orgasmic catharsis!
/me smacks Thomas in the head.

"Oc"

~*~

So, as for the Secret of Oc... the O is pronounced somewhere in between 'oh' and 'ah', a very dark vowel. Very much open and lifted in the soft palate region. Oc may or may not be Ampersand C; I need to take another look at it. But if it is, and that is accepted to mean etc. (I'm fairly sure Christopher Marlowe wasn't interested in Ampersand modules...), it doesn't make much sense.

I shall elaborate. If you read the line as if this were true (translating from the Latin since I can't remember it exactly... Stipendium something...), it would read:
The reward of sin is death. Ha! Rewards, etc.!

WTF??