QOTD: "Let me sew you to your sheet [show you to your seat]."

Hooray for spoonerisms.

QOTD: "...she only manages to look like a dental hygienist who's really, really into pain."

Enough said.

Quote: "I've been waiting ALL DAY and you KEEP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!" -Ryan

I went to my dad's house today and helped him clean, since he's moving and the realtor was going to bring people through later. So in the basement I find this book called something to the effect of "Medical Problems and their Origins" (I really can't remember well at all), printed in 1900. What caught my eye was one of the two little bylines underneath; i.e. "With Recipes" (the other byline was "Including Sexology").

Recipes for what??

I suppose it'd be recipes for medicine, of course, but it still struck me as funny wording.

[Suddenly, the lights drop and the music goes evil and the Phantom enters dressed as the Red Death, or the Spanish Inquisition, or something.]

THE PHANTOM: NO ONE EVER EXPECTS ME!

FIRMIN: Whoa, check out the blonde with the headlights.

MADAME GIRY: Zat ees mah DOTTAIR.

FIRMIN: Oh. Well, what about the hot brunette?

MADAME GIRY: Zhe es LAIK mah dottair.

ANDRE: Hey, we’re all French, right?

FIRMIN: Last time I checked, yes.

ANDRE: Well, then why is she the only one with a French accent?

Courtesy of Cleolinda Jones. Even more hilarity here.

QOTDs:
"TSP originated with Snuggles, another naughty adult bear."
"Où est le centre curatif de SPA?"
"If... the king would marry me... then I would... eat everyone with a plate of couscous?"

So. Apparently in Hebrew the word for "he" is pronounced "who", the word for "who" is pronounced "me", and the word for "she" is pronounced "he".

This can only lead to one conversation...

George Bush: Who's on first?
Ariel Sharon: Me?
George Bush: No, the guy on first base.
Ariel Sharon: Me?
George Bush: You are on first?
Ariel Sharon: No, I'm asking you. Me?
George Bush: Who?
Ariel Sharon: Wait, you mean that fellow over there?
George Bush: So he is on first?
Ariel Sharon: What are you talking about? There are no girls on this team.
George Bush: So who's on first?
Ariel Sharon: Me?

Cum Mortuis in Lingua Mortua

Everything went smoothly; however, I think my feet want to kill me. Deliberately and very consciously.

QOTD: "He's in town to work on the robots at the hot dog factory."

QOTD (from yesterday): "Name: Seonhanemilys Baby Parkoenig"

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing sacred?"

Like just about everything else I ever put on here, I saw this floating about somewhere, thought it was funny, decided to post it so I'll remember it many days from now (and really not for any other reason, since no one ever reads this. Not whining. Stating factually. By the way, if anyone wants to prove me wrong and comment, please feel free to do so. Until then, I continue to be right and the universe continues to exist in the manner to which it is accustomed.)

Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer any five questions you choose.
Time Limit: One hour. Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY- Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating expecially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE- You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING- 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY- Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. MUSIC- Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY- Based on your knowledge of their words, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY- Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8. ENGINEERING- The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

9. EPISTEMOLOGY- Take a position for or against Truth. Prove the validity of your position.

10. PHYSICS- Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

11. PHILOSOPHY- Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

EXTRA CREDIT- Define the Universe. Give three examples.

QOTD: "No, it's all right, you just got confused... you have PROsthetic testes."

I never met a phor I didn't like. (Not strictly true, but felt like writing that.)

"The thing that goes back and forth inside the old grandfather clock swung like a pendulum."
"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."
"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the sunlit, grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."
"The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can."
"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."